Bella Dyosa

Ah, love. What is life without it?

As someone who loves love, I can’t help but feel obligated to write about the topic. And I won’t be treading lightly. Trust and believe this is going to be a deep one. Rightfully so.

I think it’s fair to say that I’ve been on earth for quite some time. But it wasn’t until two years ago when I realized the true meaning of unconditional love.

I used to be one of those people who thought, “Unconditional love? You mean, a martyr?? Why would I want that for myself???”

After all, if you take its definition at face value, it isn’t hard to have that mindset.

For example, Psych Central states that “unconditional love is when you love someone no matter what they do and have no expectation of repayment.”

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Like, what? What if they treat you like shit?? What happens then???

Well, according to its definition, if you do love someone unconditionally, it wouldn’t matter.

BUT–and yes, this is a huge but–I solemnly believe you have to build that unconditional love for yourself first.

Collective sigh of relief, amirite?

Creating and embodying unconditional self-love will allow for external unconditional love to be received and reciprocated.

So, no – unconditional love doesn’t embrace toxicity or abuse. At least not in my point of view.

I never claimed this post would be objective anyway, so if you’re looking for someone to talk about the science and linguistic technicalities behind unconditional love, then clearly, I am not your girl.

Unconditional self-love

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This will be a hard pill to swallow, but a lot of us barely make the cut in practicing self-love, let alone unconditional self-love.

Let’s take rest for example. How many of us in the world have the automatic thought that we need to do something–whether that’s finishing a certain task or even accomplishing a huge achievement–to deserve rest?

Yes, we were programmed by our parents at a young age with the whole rewards system to keep us in line, so we can’t exactly blame ourselves for being wired this way.

However, now that this deeply embedded limiting belief has been demystified right in front of your eyes, how about rewriting that narrative?

Because, my friend, you don’t need to “deserve” rest. You need rest to keep going. To stay consistent. To thrive. To continue going with the flow of life.

And that’s just one aspect of imbibing unconditional self-love.

Pause for a moment to think about how many other concepts or ideas reflect these types of conditions you unconsciously give yourself before allowing any form of care or love.

Above all, let go of perfection. That is the number one enemy of unconditional love in general. Being human is synonymous to being flawed, complex, messy, and everything in between.

Once you come to terms with that, it’ll be easier to accept the unconditional and expansive love you rightfully deserve – as who you simply and beautifully are, not for what you do.

Unconditional love in family

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I’m an aunt to three wonderful nephews. One of them, in particular, I had the honor of raising for a year (along with my parents) while his mom was off to give them both a better life.

As the youngest of three daughters, I never saw myself as a caretaker. Ever. People were usually taking care of me, not the other way around. Plus, I have zero desire in having children of my own.

So, one can imagine my hesitance around this 1/3 share of child rearing. Like what in the heck is this supposed to teach me? Aside from undying patience??

Well–and I want the people in the back of the room to say this with me–the meaning of unconditional love! Great, wonderful.

In a lot of ways, my beloved nephew taught me more than I taught him. He’s a kid. All he ever did was be born and carry on being who he purely and magnificently is. And he’s an Aries, so he’s unapologetic about it.

He showed me how to tend to my inner child. How to not take life so seriously. How to hold such immense space for someone you love, allowing them to just be instead of imposing–whether unconsciously or not–certain expectations on them.

Through his actions and behaviors in a wide range of scenarios (which I care not to enumerate, because we will be here until the end of time), he ultimately taught me that unconditional love means never trying to fix or change anyone.

Yes, you can inspire someone to be a better person. But that is a type of change that happens naturally, not through brute force or reprimand.

Disclaimer: this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be calling out a person’s shitty behavior, no. If someone is being downright malicious to you, set the record straight and a proper boundary from a place of kindness and respect, not only for them, but also for you.

At the end of the day, your family have a way of pushing your buttons and triggering you left and right. We eventually learn when to stand our ground and when to let things go. Just one of the many lessons from unconditional love.

Unconditional love in friendships

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I’ve already discussed this in more detail in a previous (emotional) blog post. So, I’ll probably keep this brief (or as brief as can be).

I’d like to think that our friends are our chosen family. We don’t get to choose the family we’re born into, but as we grow older, we get to decide who we want to build that deep bond with.

In most cases, blood isn’t thicker than water. I’m blessed to have a family I can rely on in times of need, especially when it matters the most. I’m not going to deny that at all.

However, I do have to admit that I can’t trust my family with my deepest, darkest thoughts or secrets. Nor do I want to. There are some things they’re better off not knowing anyway.

That’s where our chosen family aka our friends come in. The real ones, the homies. They provide emotional support and empathy when I feel alone or just need a listening ear.

They don’t have to do anything spectacular or grand, or even find the immediate, most effective solution. Their mere presence is more than enough for some time to breathe and reset.

This is why one should never underestimate unconditional love in friendships. It’s been proven–at least to me–that friends have the incredible ability of loving you through multiple versions of yourself. Whether you’ve been friends since high school, college, or your second job.

My friends, especially the four mentioned in said blog post, showed me with such profound simplicity that unconditional love does not judge nor scorn.

It acknowledges, accepts, and nourishes because you exist. Because you are you–who you were in the past, who you are right here right now, and who you will be as you continue to grow and evolve through life. Take it or take it. 😉

Unconditional love in relationships

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Here we are. Last but not the least, eeeeyyyy. 🤪🤙🏻

I had my first ever serious relationship a couple of years ago. It was wild, intense, deep, and passionate. Overall a whirlwind romance that I couldn’t have imagine happening to me ever. But it did (and I’m grateful).

As they usually flow, the whirlwind became a speck of dust and we ended the relationship on civil terms. It didn’t make the break-up any less painful. Funnily enough though, it was during this time I learned what the meaning of unconditional love is.

Which is loving someone without attachments or control.

As a Scorpio stellium girlie, I cannot help but have possessive (and obsessive) tendencies in romantic relationships (aka I go hard or go home, all or nothing). Nonetheless, I always made sure to keep it at bay. Gotta check yo self every now and then.

What I didn’t fully realize was the type of attachment and control I had over the fate of the relationship was troubling. I always told myself when I was with my ex that it was either him or no one at fucking all. I would rather d** than not be with him forever.

Sure, it’s cute in some ways. But if you really think about it and look at it from a higher perspective, it’s not healthy. At all. It’s normal to feel this way–I’m never going to invalidate that. You may be head over heels in love and you think they’re the one, etc., etc.

However, we must remember that there are no guarantees in life. Change is the only constant throughout our entire journey. What the universe asks of us is to enjoy and savor every moment despite all of that. Because what?

It can change. Just like that.

Now, I’m not saying you should haphazardly zoom your way through your dating life. It helps to have values and intention with any relationship.

The main point is to let go of the reins a little. What even is control? It’s an illusion. The only thing we ever have control over is ourselves – our actions, behaviors, and boundaries.

So, might as well redefine attachment in your vocabulary and use it to your healthy advantage. I mean there are literally various attachment styles, so having some form of attachment doesn’t automatically equate to toxicity. It just has to be refined and polished.

But oooohhh nooooooo!! Is it even possible to love someone without attachment? Or at least less of it?

The answer is yes. Because I’m doing it right now.

No further comments. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Final thoughts

In a nutshell, unconditional love is vast and expansive. It knows no bounds. It unlocks a part of ourselves that we probably never knew existed but was in there all along: a widely and wildly caring soul with so much love to give.

It connects us to freedom and sovereignty – to a higher knowing that we are deserving of the love we give. And it doesn’t even have to come from anything or anyone external.

It enables us to dance with the energies of the universe and be one with it. Because as cheesy as it sounds, what’s meant for you will find you. Always.

It may take a few weeks, a few months, or even a few years. But it will jump through hoops and loops, several obstacles to get to you. In your own time, your own way, and at your own pace.

If that definition of unconditional love doesn’t make your heart swell, I don’t know what will.

Of course, this is just my opinion. You have your whole life ahead for you to define yours. 🫶🏻✨