Bella Dyosa

Ever reacted to someone else’s remark or behavior without thinking? Lashed out from a place of hurt, not caring about the looming consequences? Spoke too soon only to eventually regret it?

I know I have.

If you haven’t, congrats (I guess), and good for you HAHAHAHAHA.

Taking things personally is quite a tricky defense mechanism. For example, what would you do if your manager provides feedback that seems off? Maybe even looks like an attack on you or your character?

The old me would’ve cried a river and beaten myself up until the end of the day. Probably would only fully recover from the feedback after the weekend. I would take it in, bury it with me, not say anything to my manager, and plant resentment. Cute.

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Present me would fume within my own quarters (ie. scream into a pillow), take a walk, maybe rant to a co-worker, then take a step back and look at the situation from a higher perspective.

I would ask myself, “Is this really about me? Or is it about them? Or something else entirely?”

Because, more often than not (case-to-case basis–do NOT come for me, I have a knife 🥲🔪), it’s not about you. That’s a hard pill to swallow for a lot of us–myself included in the past. So, I get you and it’s okay. It’s all a part of being human: the perfectly imperfect beings that we are.

In case you’re curious, I ended up calling out a particular phrase that my manager used in her email. But from a place of respect, kindness, and a certain level of detachment. I was mostly concerned that if I didn’t say anything, she would continue using the phrase and if a person who tends to act on impulse hears that–well, who knows what sticky situation she might find herself in?

When I composed and sent my response, I had already processed all the emotions that came up and knew not to take things personally. It wasn’t about me. There was a clear language barrier between us. Ergo, on some level, I was aware she wasn’t trying to make me feel stupid.

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Easier said than done, of course. Especially if taking a step back before taking action aren’t your go-to steps in weirdly charged/unpleasant situations. You’re not alone! I had to practice this myself. The process becomes smoother with time. Trust me.

Here’s another example. Just last year, I was ghosted by someone I looked up to, a spiritual mentor. I sent multiple follow-ups (through emails and IG DMs). But alas, *cue cricket sounds*.

This really put me through a ringer–emotion-wise and self-esteem-wise. My thoughts were spiraling like, “Does she HATE me? Am I just not worth her time?? Well, who does she think she is?!?!?!” And a lot more similar questions, exclamations.

In short, I didn’t feel seen, heard, or felt. I was, again, taking things personally. When it wasn’t about me. Her ghosting me wasn’t a reflection of my being, my existence, and my character. It was a reflection of her current circumstances (juggling multiple work and personal responsibilities) and how she’s dealing with it.

And it’s funny how life works, because a part two of this happened just a few weeks ago. Yes, with the same person. This time around though, I was chilling. I did send follow-ups and even nudged a friend to help. But I didn’t question my self-worth or think I was being “too much” by checking in.

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Why? Because I knew not to take things personally. I chuckled to myself and thought, “Classic her.” If she’s meant to come back to me, great. If not, oh well, so be it.

She ended up responding (better late than never) and apologized as well. Unlike the first rodeo. I think that speaks volumes on both our ends. My energy around the possible opportunity she was offering shifted, so did hers.

Maybe she read my final email from last year (I expressed my disappointment in the hardcore ghosting), maybe some other factor in her life enabled her to change her behavior. I can’t know for sure. A lot can happen in a year–personal growth and development included.

What I do know is that I’m glad I’ve come to that point where I feel safe and secure enough in myself that my anxiety or rage don’t leak to other people’s energy fields.

Now, the examples I gave based on my experience are the more major conflict-involved happenings in life. One related to work, and the other personal.

What about the comments that some people may mention in passing? Opinions and suggestions (even worse, *gasps* unsolicited) that may not seem like a big deal at first, but strike a huge chord in you, and not in the most pleasant way.

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Simple! (Yet complex). Their words are projections of their own insecurities and problems. That’s what I came to find upon closer inspection.

I had a friend who made unsolicited comments about my approach to dating a few months back and I almost–keyword: almost–blew up the sky in a strong, raging desire to tell her off.

But what have we learned thus far? Say it with me: stop taking things personally!

I breathed (meditation helps, y’all), took a step back for a bit, and then looked at her remark from an objective lens. I asked myself, “Where is this coming from? Is she going through something? Why did she say that out of nowhere??”

Ultimately, I told her–with respect and kindness–that I understood the concern behind the suggestion (she’s a dear friend of 15+ years, she just wants what’s best for me) while adding that I’m good with how I’m handling things in my love life.

Lo and behold. She suddenly opened up about her own freaking difficulties in her romantic relationship. You CANNOT make this shit up, I tell you. 😅

So, how can you stop taking things personally? By moving with intention. By remembering you have power over your emotions. By claiming sovereignty over the external noise of various challenging circumstances and people.

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I’m not saying shove down your emotions and suck it up. I am literally one of the most emotional people you will ever meet (go back and reread all of my personal examples a couple times, maybe? LOL). I just do my best to self-regulate.

I’m certainly not saying I’ve mastered not taking things personally. I’m human. I might have a blip or two in the future. What matters, I believe, is the introspection that comes with it.

Because in order to live with more peace, we have to realize that not everything is meant to push our buttons, attack us, or criticize us. As I’ve mentioned, a lot of what people say or do to you are projections of their own internal troubles, triggers, or traumas. Including you.

What you say or do is a reflection of you and your character. So, what would you rather instill? Compassion and respectful honesty or cruelty and fear-driven influence?

The choice is entirely up to you.

Inner peace on the line–no biggie. 😉