Bella Dyosa

I don’t even know where to begin with this post. I just know that we are about to get deep and personal. Like the previous one hasn’t, amirite? 🤷🏻‍♀️🤪

Writing gives me that space to be more raw and vulnerable. And in real life, I truly am the type of person to wear their heart on their sleeve. So, this is how I’m showing up – unapologetic and unfiltered.

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Roughly a year ago, two friendships that I held near and dear to my heart were shaken up unexpectedly. Spoiler alert: they also ended.

Looking at the situation now from a higher perspective, it was a bunch of people acting from a place of hurt with harsh and unfair things said and done, thrown around. Imagine a big ass ripple effect once individuals decide to lash out from deep, subconscious pain.

I wholeheartedly took accountability for my mistakes and blunders. I also asked for forgiveness from them since I was in the wrong. More than anything though, I forgave myself for my careless actions.

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It wasn’t the easiest experience – I hit rockbottom back then in terms of self-worth and self-esteem. I felt like I was the shittiest person alive and I didn’t deserve to breathe.

I felt ashamed to exist. How could I do and say those mean things? How could I revert to old behavior that wasn’t me in my truest and highest form? Why was I all of a sudden not practicing what I was preaching – with all the love and light I wanted to imbibe and spread?

The reality of it is that there was no excuse for my actions, but the feeling of hurt that it was coming from was more than valid. I could’ve done better processing those emotions–yes–but the hurt itself is nothing to be ashamed of or blamed for.

At the end of the day though, I already did what I did, said what I said. I had to accept that I’m not perfect. In fact, no one is. Sometimes, shit gets out of hand, you act like a jackass and end up unintentionally hurting people you love. Own up to it, lift yourself back up, and grow from it.

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I’m actually tearing up as I recall the incident and type all of this out. Not because of the wrong turn I took, but because of the meaningful support and intentional presence of my closest and (mostly) longtime friends. I don’t think I would’ve made it to the other side of the tunnel if it weren’t for them.

These four compassionate souls held me when I thought I didn’t deserve any ounce of comfort. They saw the the beauty, the good, the lovable in me when I couldn’t. They reminded me of my worth and value amid the flaws and imperfections.

That no matter what phase I’m in, what version of me I am, I will always be loved and accepted radically and deeply.

Can you imagine that? Of being accepted at your lowest and ugliest. Of being cared for without judgement or shame. Of being truly seen–rose-colored glasses off–and embracing the entire, complex universe that you are; because that’s what makes you, you.

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They helped me pick up the pieces of myself I thought would never see the light of the day again. They helped me take gradual steps away from the never-ending spiral and haze of negativity. They helped me realize that I am not my mistakes, I am not my blunders.

In turn, enabling me to become a better person. Now and always.

Because that’s all you can do moving forward: to learn and do better.

We are perfectly imperfect human beings and we will make more than one mistake for as long as we live. They don’t define us just as our past and upbringing don’t either.

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They say that there are friends for a season, a reason, and a lifetime. I have existed long enough to experience the first two, both painful and not so painful. More importantly though, I’m glad I also have keepers for my lifetime.

So, this is a love letter to those who stayed and will always accept and love me for who I am no matter what phase I am in life and whatever version of me is present.

You make me believe in pure, authentic, and unconditional love. And I can only hope that the rest of the world gets to experience that at least once in their bewildering, crazy beautiful lifetime.